Factoring in Hormones, Menopause and Andropause into your Relationships

Last month, the ‘no-fault’ divorce finally came into law in the UK. This ended the unfair ‘blame-game’ that couples were subjected to in order to put a quicker end to their marriage, as opposed to facing years of separation before being able to apply for divorce. The passing of the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act of 2020 relieves couples from putting on false claims of adultery or abuse – something that was often done to expedite the divorce. 

Freed from such artificial legal constraints, the new law also allows us to finally focus on why indeed many couples face seemingly unexpected divorces in their mid-life. I remember a conversation that I had with a friend, who had gone through a rather acrimonious divorce following what had been decades of a very happy marriage. There were no obvious reasons for the sudden breakdown in the relationship – no infidelity or financial disagreements – and he was at a complete loss to understand what went wrong or, for that matter, who was in the wrong. ‘’It’s like I don’t know her anymore,’’ he told me many times. He couldn’t recognize or understand his partner, best friend and companion of many years. Several decades of partnership, that he had thought would see him through his older years, now suddenly seemed to be disintegrating in front of his eyes. He was devastated.

“We were always so in sync, and then suddenly it felt like she went her own way. Her rage, her disengagement, her frustrations. I could understand none of it, and after over two decades our bond seemed to be compromised. People at our age don’t get divorced without a good reason. It just doesn’t happen.’’

 At this point, I had to correct him. ‘’Gray divorce’’, or the parting of ways in mid-life, is hardly an uncommon occurrence. In fact, a study conducted by the AARP found that over 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women between the ages of 40 and 60. The question is why? 

There is an undeniable connection between this age range and the fact that during this period women are approaching or going through menopause. This represents a period of drastic hormonal changes. Declining oestrogen levels can make menopausal women feel angry, sad, and fatigued. They can also experience difficulty in concentration, insomnia, a lack of libido and an increase in anxiety levels. These symptoms can persist for more than five years, but they can have knock-on effects that extend much further than that, increasing the risk of several diseases including Alzheimer’s, cardiovascular disease, and skeletal fragility. While Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is available for women to help relieve them from some of the symptoms of menopause, their acceptance as a safe treatment availability is an issue, even in developed countries like the UK. 

During menopause, women’s bodies also age much faster than men’s. In 2016, Steve Horvath, a professor of human genetics and biostatistics at University of California Los Angeles, measured the changes in the DNA of women that had gone through menopause and noted that their ageing had actually sped up by about 6 percent. This means that the biological age of women diverges from their chronological age when going through menopause. 

Men, of course, also experience hormonal changes as they age – a process known as andropause.  Testosterone levels begin to decline between one to two percent between the ages of 30 and 40 and continue to decline in later years. However, unlike women, there is rarely a complete loss of testosterone production as men age. Low testosterone –  also known as hypogonadism – can lead to irritability, low sex-drive, change of body shape, and lack of energy. Because there is no natural way to know that men have approached their andropause, testosterone tests are recommended for men who begin to experience the above-mentioned symptoms. For the serious cases, lifestyle changes and Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) are prescribed.

Ageing plans, retirement plans, the vision of a successful marriage - all are based on the idea that a couple ages in synchrony, side by side. And yet, we forget to factor in the most fundamental of factors: hormonal fluctuations in mid-life. And these can create havoc in relationships.

Like my friend, many men might feel that they suddenly don’t recognise their partners, and that there is a drastic change in the chemistry of their relationship. 

That’s undoubtedly true – but that chemical change refers to hormones, not love. A greater degree of compassion, communication and empathy needs to be exercised during this time to support the health of ageing female partners. Couples tend to plan for all kinds of health emergencies in their retirement plans. They should put menopause at the top of that list.  That’s the most obvious and most predictable of all changes, and yet it often takes a backseat when we look forward to a future together.